Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
