I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
