Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
