John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
