Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
