Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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