I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
