Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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