I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You're like the curious george of whores
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
