happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
