Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
