He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
