I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
