someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
