I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
