Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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