I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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