coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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