I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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