I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
