theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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