I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
