i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
