I am spending my child support on dildos
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
