It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Randomize
