I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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