I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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