Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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