Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
