I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
