Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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