Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
