I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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