I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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