At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
