you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
