Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
