Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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