just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
