Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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