the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I skipped work to stalk him.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
