And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
