this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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