Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
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