We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
