i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
