I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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