i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
