im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
