No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
