He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
